HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY, EMI RAE!!!

all my granddaughters are BEAUTIFUL on the inside...

from FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

Dr Kenneth Wilgus:  "For much of your child's life, his or her needs have fit with what you as a parent are able to give. Infants and preschoolers can be a huge challenge, but they need affection and attention, and most parents want to hug and cuddle them.

As children grow, they need guidance and support. Most parents enjoy teaching or coaching their children while watching the fruit of their labros show up on report cards and playing fields. At each stage, the child's developmental needs have an accompanying reward for parental involvement.

Then adolescence arrives. An adolescent's primary need is individuation. Teens are on a path to attain independence from parents as they move toward adulthood. A teenager's need is to NOT need you.

Individuation is the first time your child's needs don't have a corresponding reward for you as a parent. That may be why a large percentage of otherwise loving, involved parents stumble in parenting their adolescents.

Over-nurturing moms continually nag their teenagers about eating lunch or cleaning rooms or doing homework. Over-controlling dads repeat their timeworn speeches about making good choices or managing money. These parents tend to normalize their adolescents' resentful responses and think that's just the way kids are these days.

Unfortunately, these loving parents are giving their teenagers what they want to give, not what their teenager needs.

It's important to start thinking now about when your initial job as a parent--overseeing your kids' decisions and making sure they have what they need to survive--will be over. No matter what age your child is now, keep a mental clock and remember how much time you have before he or she leaves your care. For many of us, that fretful day comes shortly after our kids graduate from high school.

During the teen years, you can progressively give freedom to your children so they can practice working things out for themselves while you're still around to advise them. This gift of autonomy is not about giving privileges that can be taken back. It is acknowledging their freedom to make their own choices and live with the consequences. The technique I teach families is called "planned emancipation."

When my kids turned 13, my wife and I gave them, among other things, the freedom to keep their rooms as clean or dirty as they saw fit. This meant no more arguing over cleaning their rooms. This also meant that they did their own laundry and paid a fine if food was found in their room. We also reserved the right to close their door when we couldn't stand looking at it.

Freedom in the home should always come with an accompanying amount of responsibility. Over the adolescent years, we gave them other freedoms, such as choosing their own clothes, music, friends and bedtime. And they had to wake themselves up in the morning and manage their schoolwork on their own.

In later years, our kids told us that these freedoms gave them confidence that they were growing up. They didn't need to 'get away' to feel like an adult. When our youngest daughter's choice to not participate in parties with alcohol was derided as 'immature,' she shot back:  "I'll bet your mommy still does your laundry."

Parents who allow their teenagers to have progressive freedom give them the self-assurance and life skills they need to ease into adulthood.

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY, EMI RAE!!!

15 TRAITS OF PEOPLE WITH TRUE INTEGRITY

Although these are from a secular viewpoint, these are points of which even Christians should be aware...

Trust and integrity are the foundations of a good relationship. While anyone can say they are reliable in a job interview or on a first date, how do you know if they are, in fact, a person with genuine integrity? When determining if the people in your life are truly trustworthy, here are 15 habits integral to people with genuine integrity.

1. Trustworthy. Trust goes beyond just agreeing to keep a secret or watching your cat for the week-end. Being trustworthy means they can be counted on, no matter what.
2. Accountable. We all make mistakes, but a person with genuine integrity knows when to take the blame. If a mistake was made, then they will be the first to admit if they had a hand in it.
3. Reliable. Along with accountability, reliability is another big clue to someone's integrity. No one likes someone who promises but doesn't deliver. Integrity means following through and being reliable.
4. Sharing the Spotlight. This is particularly important in the office. If you're working on a project with a team, but only one person takes the credit, you know you won't want to work with them in the future. It can seriously sour both the office environment and the home if your partner or colleague doesn't share any credit. If your co-worker gives your fellow teammates a shout out, that's important. If they work well in a team and share responsibility, that's also a sign that they are genuine and responsible.
5. Humble. A little humility goes a long way, but if you have someone in your life who is constantly avoiding praise or compliments, remind them of how important and valuable they are. You can judge someone's integrity based on how they handle compliments. On the other hand, someone without a lot of humility might not be able to keep their ego in check.
6. Working to find a solution. Even people with the best moral compass and a stringent code of ethics will find themselves in an argument or disagreement at one point or another. It's human nature. However, people with integrity don't spend their time arguing their side. Instead, they will work to find a solution and compromise.
7. Genuine. Finding a genuine person might be a little like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Being genuine means being sincere in everything you do. When a person of integrity gives you a compliment, you know they genuinely mean it. Or, if they ask how you are, you know they genuinely care. Genuine people are also direct. Calling it like it is, not maliciously, but simply being frank, is a good measurement of someone's character.
8. Generous. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they talk to the server at a restaurant. Genuine people don't treat the waitstaff as second-class citizens. You can also tell a lot about someone based on how they tip, donate to a cause in need, or discuss money among friends and family. Generosity and genuineness tend to go hand in hand.
9. Lending a helping hand. Beyond donating to the local food pantry or the Red Cross, genuine integrity means naturally lending a helping hand, if it's needed. Someone who doesn't mind giving their time, perhaps even more than their money, obviously cares deeply for other people.
10. Kindness. People with integrity know that being kind to others is priority number one. If they see someone is having a rough day, they will go out of their way to make them feel better. People with integrity are always ready with a kind word or smile.
11. Raising others up. Sometimes you come across people who love to tear others down. Everyone needs someone who supports, but those with integrity go the extra mile. Genuine individuals want you to succeed so they will help you achieve your goals.
12. Valuing other's time. The last thing you need is someone who doesn't value your time. People with integrity will always have time for you or will fit you in their schedule when they can. It's more than just being reliable, genuine integrity means respecting people's time and showing up to appointments and dates promptly.
13. Intuitive. Do you have that friend who seems to be able to read your feelings no matter how well you try and cover them up? It's because they're intuitive, and it's a valuable trait to have. Intuitive people don't just know how you're feeling, they can sense when something's up or when you're upset and, most importantly, will do whatever they can to make you feel better. People with integrity use their intuition wisely, strengthening relationships and helping to mediate uncomfortable situations.
14. Believing people. Not only can genuine and reliable people be trusted, but they also trust and rely on other people. For people with integrity, you're in their good graces unless you give them a good reason not to be. They will take someone at their word and leave it at that. If you owe them money, they won't hammer you. If you tell them something, they will take you at your word.
15. Seeing the best in others. Along with taking people at their word, there is something to be said for the way people with integrity view others. You might know one or two people who can see the best in people rather than the worst, sometimes even to a fault. This is a trait that not many have, but those who do are well worth keeping in your life because they can often offer a different if sometimes, challenging, perspective.

If you're trying to determine if someone has real integrity, if they can be relied on, and if they are the kind of person worth having in your life, look for these 15 traits. These habits come second nature to genuine and trustworthy people, and if you have someone in your life who has integrity, count yourself lucky.

from 2018...

it's really that simple...

How the fear of dying taught me how to live

It started with a headache. A headache that lasted 4 days. A headache that no medication, coffee, hot shower, cold shower, nor amount of sleep could subdue. I called my doctor.

"You've had headaches before. This is no cause for concern," he said.

And then, in the middle of the night... it popped.

As sudden as the headache had come, it was gone. I felt or heard a "pop" in my head that woke me from my sleep, followed by a warm sensation rushing through my brain. A friend had recently lost her mother to a brain aneurysm. I thought, "This is it," as I shook my husband awake and frantically called 911.

I sat on the carpet in our hallway, rocking back and forth while clutching my knees as I waited for the ambulance. I distantly heard the dispatcher's voice in my ear as I asked my husband to turn on his video camera.

I heard my daughter crying in her crib as I repeated over and over, "She will never remember me," and began a dialogue into my husband's phone that I prayed she would never have to hear.

"Hi, baby. I'm your mama. And I love you so very, very much."

And that was the night my life changed.

Not because the next 2 years would be consumed by health struggles and hurdles, because although those changed my body, it was my mind that was changed that night.

The way I thought about life, and the way I had been living it, would never be the same.

It's hard to explain motherhood to someone who hasn't experienced it, but the best way I have heard it described is that a piece of your heart walks outside your body once your child is born. And as the paramedics arrived that night and began their work, I realized that if those were to be my final moments, the tiny piece of my soul that was crying out my name from the next room would never have a chance to know me. In fact, she wouldn't even remember me. All she would have is what I left behind:  pictures, written notes, and most importantly, the stories people told her of me. I asked myself on that ride to the hospital, what would those stories be? And I didn't like the answer. So, I made the decision to change it.

As a mother, as a parent, as someone who walks this earth and interacts with others, I ask you to ask yourself. What will be said about you when you are gone?

Are you kind? Are you gentle? Are you giving? Are you loving?

I am.

Now.

You don't have to be proud of who you were to be proud of who you are now. It takes a matter of seconds to change. The power of replacing one negative thought or comment with a positive one is life-altering. The power of surrounding yourself with people and circumstances that bring out the best in you is unimaginable. Take a look at your daily life and interactions. And if changes need to be made, make them.

It is as simple as you allow it to be.

A friend came to visit me recently and after several hours, she turned to me and said, "You haven't said a single bad word about anyone this entire time."

It caught me off guard. My first reaction was, "Well, of course not. Why would I?"

But then I remember, "Oh... because I might have before." It is so easy to be a "mean girl," to join in on the discussion and diassembly of another person for the sake of "conversation" and gossip. But I can honestly tell you:  it is even easier to be a "nice girl." In fact, once you stop talking about people, you realize how enjoyable real conversations actually are.  Ideas, ideals, places, beliefs.

I'm not trying to preach; I am an imperfect person, living an imperfect life and simply trying to leave behind the best legacy I can. And I think you should, too. Because every day isn't certain, and all I can say is I am thankful I was given another opportunity. And maybe part of the reason for that opportunity is to spread this message:

Live. Put your phone down. Talk to the person in front of you. Hold the door for people. Smile if someone catches your eye. Say thank you. Say please. Give hugs. Compliment people. Compliment yourself. Love yourself. No one will remember what size the pants are you are wearing but they will remember the way you walked in them. So walk softly. Speak boldly. Love gently. Laugh loudly. Call someone if they cross your mind. Allow yourself to be happy for yourself, through every stage and step of your life. Be happy. Life doesn't have to be perfect for it to be perfect.

What do I want people to tell my daughter about me? That I smiled. That I laughed. And most importantly, that I loved. That I loved every single second of every second I was given.

And I hope someone will say the same about you as well. 

Published on June 13, 2017

http://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/how-the-fear-of-dying-taught-me-how-to-live